Saturday, February 6, 2016

Bro vs. Bro: An Epic Buffet Battle

Some of the best food in the world hails from the great Indian subcontinent. And, as the Taj Mahal is to India itself, Korma Sutra is to Indian cuisine in the United States. Now, I'm no stranger to Indian food; it had, before today, already been one of my favorites. But, as has often been made clear to me, I had never experienced the wonderfully seductive Korma Sutra, proclamated by a friend and former roommate of mine, Quinn, to be the best Indian restaurant and perhaps the best restaurant period. This relatively quaint establishment, unbeknownst to me, is located less than a mile down the road from the monthly Ferrari Club of Kansas City meetings that I frequently attend. Upon leaning this, as you will soon be able to imagine and understand, I was wrought with disappointment for wasting years of potential deliciousness. But, being like the other 7+ billion humans who at times so yearn, I am unfortunately unable to change the past. Recognizing this quickly and allowing my sulk to last for no more than a minute or so, I began scheming how I was to make the most of this long-awaited opportunity. What I came up with was quite simple. Simple is necessary when trying to maximize efficiency at a buffet. And, as a certified Buffetologist, I know how to maximize food intake with respect to time. With that being said, let's begin.

Upon arriving, the aromas emanating from the door were quite promising. Entering through the door into the cramped waiting area, I could almost taste the air for the thickness of said aforementioned aromas. I then noticed that the buffet was right next to the waiting area. It was so close I was literally standing in front of it while waiting for a table. This allowed me an unexpected preview, of which I took advantage to start planning the consumption that was now mere seconds away. We got our table, our waters were poured, and it was ON.

I anxiously walked across the room at a slightly quickened pace, my heart racing and my breathing shallow. I grabbed a plate, and there I was. The moment of truth had arrived. Going down the buffet, I grabbed some Tandoori Chicken, a little Chicken Biryani, a modest portion of Chicken Korma (the namesake of the Place), and a generous portion of Butter Chicken, for which I had especially high hopes. With my plate reasonably loaded, I carefully but quickly made my way back to the table. Upon my plate's safe return, I immediately added some of the fresh naan that had been brought to the table in my absence. This was the dream plate. I was in Korma Sutra, sitting at a tabled, my plate loaded. The feast was about to commence.

My first bite was of Tandoori Chicken. My tastebuds shot into an instant pleasure so pure it was unreal. My next bite was of Korma. My tastebuds, though already so deep in pleasure, responded still with a surge of delight. I moved on to the Biryani, and again I was met with flavors so intense. This left only the Butter Chicken yet to be judged. I, almost surrealistically, loaded my fork with a hefty chunk of chicken, swirled it around in the sauce a few times, and slowly brought it up to my mouth. I paused, relishing the moment, then proceeded to place the butter sauce-soaked chicken into my mouth, waiting for the response. It was instant. I experienced not only an amazing gustatory sensation, but a satisfaction so deep, words not only escaped me but I'm sure were unnecessary completely, as the faces I must've been making surely told the story well enough. This was a moment that had been two and half years in the making. It was a satisfaction so great I lost awareness of my surroundings for a brief moment. But just as quickly, I came to, and happily realized that even though I had just experienced such greatness, I still had much more of everything left on my plate to finish! I saved the remaining Butter Chicken for last, using the naan as a sort of scoop. I placed a piece of chicken atop the naan, then drizzled some of the butter sauce on top. This is just about the best taste in the world.

Also, while temporarily stunned into my pleasurably unconscious state, I had failed to notice that a mango lassi had been placed in front of me. Much to my delight, I began sipping on the yogurt-based beverage. Once I calmed down ever so slightly, I resumed eating. I worked through my plate with the utmost respect, and, taking my time, cherished the flavors and sensations as best I could. But, inevitably, the food on my plate was finite and eventually disappeared. Now I had a decision to make. Of course, the first rule in introductory buffetology teaches one to make the first plate a sampler. I performed flawlessly. The second rule states that the second plate should feature your favorite two or three item from the first plate, in bigger portions. This I where I strayed. I was so infatuated with the butter chicken that, upon returning to the buffet, I loaded my second plate first with a couple spoonfuls of basmati, and then solely with butter chicken. After a couple scoops, my plate still appeared rather too empty. After several more scoops, and satisfied that I had enough for a second serving, I returned to the table. Upon my re-arrival, I noticed that a new chicken dish not offered on the buffet had been delivered. I tried some, and it was likewise delicious, and it was fairly spicy, a nice departure from most of my other items. I grabbed some more naan, and dove right in.

As I was about three quarters through my second plate, I became aware of my mistakes. I began to experience the first signs of satiety setting in. Rule 3 in buffetology states that there must, without exception, be room left for dessert after the second plate. Telling myself to power through, I finished my second plate, still enjoying every bite. All the while, I was joking with my friend, former roommate, and fellow big eater Andrew about smashing some gulab jamun. It quickly escalated, with me proclaiming that I would go for 10. Obviously a ridiculous overstatement and both of us being moderately full, we agreed that we would eat only a healthy 2 or 3. I got up, walked over to the buffet and grabbed a bowl, in which I placed 3 gulab jamun. Andrew thus followed suit. Right after I took my first bite, I knew I was in trouble. For one, the gulab jamun was delicious. For two, a plate of skewered ice cream pieces was brought to the table. Being a bro, I supersetted some ice cream carbs with my syrup-covered fried dough carbs.

After finishing my 3 gulab jamun, I went back and got 3 more. Andrew kept pace. It was clear now that a challenge was unfolding. We both finished these next three, and I got up and went to the buffet, where Andrew thought I was getting 3 more. But I had a plan to give myself the upper hand. I got 4 more instead of 3. I waited for Andrew to get up from the table before I left the buffet in an attempt to hide the fact that I had taken one extra, but he walked directly at me. I tried obscuring my bowl with my hand, but to no avail. He saw that I had 4, so he too got 4 more. At this point, with the dense dough now weighing heavy and taking up massive volumes in my stomach, it was a struggle. We both finished the 4 we had just got, in it now more for pride than enjoyment. I attempted to extend a truce, but Andrew wouldn't bite. We were up to 10 each at this point, and I wasn't sure I could eat any more. Andrew, just to spite me, left and returned with a solitary gulab jamun, for the sole purpose of one upping me. I would have none of that. After he ate his 11th, I got up, everyone expecting me to get one more to tie. But I was in it to win it, and returned with 2 more. I ate them, much to Andrew's chagrin. I again attempted a truce, this time at 12 each. He got up, and upon returning, I saw that he had accepted my offer. He finished his 12th and tying gulab jamun, and we called it a draw.

The ensuing minutes were rather sketchy on a keeping my food down basis. There were several moments where I genuinely thought that I may be imminently headed to the bathroom. But I persevered and powered through. After probably five minutes, I began to feel better, now being able to cautiously stand. This whole time, Andrew was going on about how he felt fine. He eventually came to break our truce, and headed back to the buffet for his 13th gulab jamun. Upon arriving at the buffet, however, he realized that there were no more left: we had literally eaten all of the gulab jamun, 24 in total between us. With that, we paid our bills, concluding an amazing experience that far exceeded any expectations conceived beforehand.

Several hours later, having recovered slightly, I had a bowl of vanilla ice cream with chocolate syrup.

*Note: In addition to the wonderful food described above, I had two scoops of brotein after a morning bro gym session.

Friday, February 5, 2016


Today was a good day, not at all like yesterday. While yesterday I struggled for life out on the reef (reference?), today I was never in any danger of getting small. I did, however have my token brotein bar for breakfast. But when I got home around noon, I warmed up a fairly large chicken breast and treated it with some barbecue sauce. 

And when dinnertime rolled around, there was again no shortage of food. There were sautéed onions, bell peppers, garlic, and baby carrots. There were mashed potatoes. There was sourdough bread upon which there was butter generously slathered. And, of course, for the brotein, there were expertly seasoned and grilled bone-in chicken thighs. What a glorious dinner this was.

In total, I ended up with what is visible on this plate, plus an extra chicken thigh for dessert. 

Thursday, February 4, 2016

Emancipation Proclamation

Days like today are not good days, at least in a nutritional and getting huge kind of way. I don't ever intend to starve myself, but sometimes it just happens. I had my usual breakfast and lunch of granola and/or brotein bars, with a couple extra thrown in for snacks at mid-afternoon and early evening. Since I had a very late lab tonight from 1900 - 2100, the bars were all I had to eat all day. I regrettably had less than 700 meager calories over the vast span of 12 hours. So, when I got home at around 2130, I was on a mission. I was on a mission to find food! And not just any food, really, but foods that had as much brotein as I could find. What I came up with was meat and bean soup and eggs with mozzarella cheese.

I had two large bowls while my eggs were cooking.

I was expecting 4 eggs scrambled to look like more than it did. Also, someone else, who shall remain unnamed, and who had eaten much more than me over the course of the day, decided it would be appropriate to eat half of my eggs. But, that's what I get for making the best scrambled eggs ever.

So, after everyone had vacated my premises (a.k.a. the kitchen), I made some more scrambled eggs. I made 5 more, to be exact. So, in total, I ended with approximately 7 scrambled eggs and probably about a cup of mozzarella cheese.

Wednesday, February 3, 2016

I feel HUGE!

Still feeling bloated and balloon-like from yesterday's cafeteria feast, I lumbered on to the new day. And what a day it would. Yes, today was a revolutionary day. And yes, I did, yet again, have a brotein bar for breakfast, BUT...I changed up my lunch a little but. I had a motley of bars for lunch. This included a dark chocolate peanut butter brotein bar, a peanut butter chocolate chip classic and chewy granola bar, and a strawberry cereal bar. This was quite the variety, and something I'm not used to. But, you know, every once in a while I've got to treat myself with a little variation. These also served as my pre-workout yet again.

After I got done getting huge in the gym, I headed home and attempted to get huge in the kitchen. I had some pulled pork, with a generous excess of barbecue sauce along with some smoked chicken wings. 

After about 10 minutes in to my gains, I made a very important realization: I lifted weights today  I need carbs! Panicked, I glanced down at my plate to see that I only had about half of my pulled pork left. Thinking quickly, my mind like a steel trap (reference?), I hurriedly place two hamburger buns in the toaster oven. Once they were nice and toasty, I divided the pork as evenly as I could between the buns and proceeded making my gains. I threw in a piece of cake mix corn bread from the other night for good measure.

Still feeling as though I was in a caloric and gains deficit from all the hard work I did today, I went in search of some more carbs.

Strawberry and vanilla ice cream are the perfect way to end a day made up of 90% gains and 10% Bro Science. 

Tuesday, February 2, 2016


Granola bar for breakfast, 2 for lunch, and another for a mid-afternoon snack. Moving on.

With three quarters of the day already gone, it was time for some hard gains to be made. This is where I will elect to use Bro Science to justify the forthcoming gorgery. Since I squatted for the first time since May 2015 yesterday, my legs are obviously sore and still extremely fatigued. I figure that if my legs are still sore, they must still be recovering. And what do recovering muscles need? CARBS!!! Thus, I had the rare opportunity to join a couple of my friends for dinner at a campus residential dining center a.k.a. a cafeteria. I was granted and honored with one of their few and finite guest passes, so I took full advantage of this all-I-can eat buffet of expensive and questionable college food. 

I started out at the deli. I got chicken and turkey with pepper jack cheese and red onions on wheat. Wheat bread is obviously healthy, and will go straight to my legs and make them HUGE. Next, as I was perusing the cafeteria's wares, I came across country fried steak and grilled chicken breasts. I got a steak and a chicken breast. I moved on, and quickly stumbled upon an Italian sausage calzone thingy. I stopped by the salad bar and poured a bowl of ranch for the steaks and the chicken, and I was off to the table. My friends also reveled in the delights of their own subs, even though they included vile and gains-killing ingredients such as tomatoes and pickles. 

After having smashed this food in a little under 10 minutes or so, and feeling quite hungry and unsatisfied yet, I went back for more. Yes, I know that's the most predicable thing ever, but I couldn't argue with my legs. They want what they want and they'll make sure they get it. I have no power to stop them. I went back for two more steaks and some more ranch, but unfortunately they were out of ranch. I settled for honey mustard, which was slightly disappointing, but still decent. What happened next will live in infamy for eternity (probably more like 10 minutes or so, but still). Some other kid at a nearby table sat down with this relatively giant slice of chocolate cake with chocolate frosting. Being a dining hall expert, I knew that the chocolate frosting alone would be worth it. So, without the slightest bit of hesitation, I located the cake, picked out the biggest remaining slice, and hurried back to the table. I can happily report that it was indeed the magical frosting I was expecting, and the cake wasn't bad either. 

All in all, it was all worth it. I didn't lift a single thing today (except the fork to my mouth), so I may or may not have gained a couple body fat percents at this meal, but one thing is for certain...I made substantial progress in my quest to get hyoooooooge!

Tardiness (02.01.2016)

With several assignments breathing down my neck, I regrettably neglected to post my food exploits for the first of February.

Getting back to my routine, I had a brotein bar for breakfast, and then several non-brotein granola bars for lunch/pre-workout. In keeping with my quest to not be a lightbulb, I actually did legs at the gym again. Specifically, and in addition to the nominal leg workouts I usually do, I did a few sets of light front squats. This may sound like an obvious part of leg day, but I haven't done any form of squat since last May. Yes, it's been almost 9 months. But I want big legs, too. So I am tentatively attempting to get back into squatting.

Anyway, I was rather destroyed after this. My protein shake post workout was simply not enough. So, when I got home, I didn't wait for dinner to eat. I had some leftover barbecue, and, specifically, I ate six ribs and a couple slice of bread.

It was delicious, and full of gains, a perfect combination for sure. Luckily, I had more leftovers. For dinner, and had some brisket, of course with some barbecue sauce thrown on top.

Sunday, January 31, 2016

Oh, Crêpe!

Usually when an extreme excess of carbs is consumed, especially on days when absolutely no lifting was done, like yesterday, the next day brings with it a feeling of bloating and an all around personal feeling of obeseness. This surprisingly wasn't the case this morning. I felt unnervingly light, and I looked, to my eyes, to be relatively lean in the Mirror Test. So, what did I do? I went straight to the kitchen and ate more carbs!  

These are homemade crêpes, the two right most filled with melted chocolate chips and the left most filled with a lemon curd filling. All three are slathered with butter, because butter. Below is an example of a chocolate-filled crêpe.

After these three crêpes, I had another one and a half chocolate filled ones, you know, to really round out the morning of the carb.

And thus so highly fueled by this extreme overabundance of carbs, I had blisteringly high energy all day. I even had enough energy to read an assigned book without falling asleep. That is really saying something! On a related side note, an accomplishment of mine that I am quite proud of is that I, among the bros, am able to read anything that isn't a nutrition or supplement label. That is rather astounding.

Anyway, again with all the energy from the aforementioned carbreakfast, I didn't eat until dinner. This is a common pattern in the bro diet. Eat much carbs for breakfast, don't eat until dinner. It's a theory in bro-dieting that allows bros to eat many carbs without gaining body fat but that also prevents the atrophy of hard-earned muscle. But once dinner arrived, it came in the form of ham and beans, complimented by corn bread made with yellow cake mix. Yes, corn bread made with cake mix. But that didn't stop me from smearing butter all over it, again, because butter. I had two bowls of ham and beans and three pieces of corn bread cake.

And of course there was dessert! There is always dessert. Dessert is the secret ingredient to getting huge. I just completely made that up, but that is what I'll tell myself to justify eating sugar. Deal with it.

This go round, bread pudding with a bourbon sauce filled the dessert slot.