Saturday, January 23, 2016

Now for the food...

After the fiasco that was the most recent body analyses, it was time to get back to what this whole thing is about. I'll keep it short and simple for the sake of convenience. Not being entirely sure how to proceed, I did what any bro would do. I attempted to eat most of my calories in brotein! BROTEIN!!!

Let's start with breakfast. A couple three eggs, over easy. A couple slices of toast with butter. Simple.

And, being a bro, the next thing I ate was cream! I mean, who wouldn't want a nice serving of ice cream! I can't think of anyone, either!

But I still needed dessert. Well, I mean, post-dessert dessert. That's a thing, believe me.

Later on, for dinner, I was feeling a little low on brotein. Luckily, there was chili to be had. Granted, I had some crackers to go along with it. And, admittedly, I had some potato cakes on the side. BUT...there was chili, and chili has brotein.

BIG Update Pt.2 (and Slight Change in Approach)

So, last night, I got on update on my vitals. I was a little surprised (not in a good way) with the results, which introduced a slight amount of skepticism in my view of the test. This led me to go back this morning to see if certain aspects of the test would be consistent. Obviously, the time of the day, recent meals, amount of water present in the body, recent exercise can skew the results slightly. But several things that should remain relatively constant are dry lean mass and skeletal muscle mass. It turns out that in the span of just under 17 hours, my body composition was capable of some fairly drastic changes.

Let's start this off with last night's data.

Total body weight:............173.9 lbs
Lean body mass:...............150.4 lbs
Skeletal muscle mass:........86.9 lbs
Body fat mass:....................23.5 lbs
Body fat percent:..................13.5%

These data actually present decent progress. Now, one would generally surmise that, while on a get huge quest, total body weight would increase. This is generally true. However, in the past couple weeks, I've been eating fewer carbs, which could lead to loss of a fairly substantial amount of water weight. And according to the data, my lean body mass remained constant and my muscle mass increased by 0.3 pounds, both of which are perfectly reasonable. Here is where my problems (and skepticism) come into play. First of all, bioelectrical impedance devices send small electric pulses through the body. Electrical pulses travel at different speeds through fat than through other tissues, like muscle. Based on the amount of time the impulses take to return to the device, it determines how much fat, muscle, and other tissues make up the body. If this theory was reliable, my body fat mass results would've remained fairly constant (or maybe even increased slightly) since I'm not on a calorie deficit. But, alas, my body fat mass apparently decreased by almost 5 pounds. This would be an incredible fat loss, considering it has only been 18 days, in addition to the calorie thing.  

Now, the next nail in the coffin of bioelectrical impedance analyses occurred today. Out of shear, morbid curiosity, I went back and got another analysis. The only reason I went back was to test the consistency of a value I know for a fact would remain relatively constant. This value would serve as sort of a barometer of accuracy of sorts for the other values of the test. What I'm talking about is skeletal muscle mass.

The results are in, and they're not looking good. In just under 17 hours, I apparently lost over 2 pounds of muscle. There is simply no reason that I would lose that much muscle in that amount of time. Yes, there are many variables that can skew the results. But I didn't do hardly anything between measurements. I didn't eat excessively right before today's test. I didn't excessively guzzle water directly before today's test. I didn't exercise right before today's test. I wore very similar clothes. What I'm really attempting to convey is that the results should've really been similar. I'm not expecting identical readings, but come on. The other results will further explain my skepticism:

Total body weight:............175.7 lbs
Lean body mass:...............146.8 lbs
Skeletal muscle mass:........84.2 lbs
Body fat mass:....................28.8 lbs
Body fat percent:..................16.5% 

So really, moving forward, I think it best to take these results with a grain of salt, and rely more on the Mirror Test. That being said, here is that update, along with the previous:

The first one (left) is from January 4th, 2016 and the second one (right) is from today, January 23rd, 2016.

Friday, January 22, 2016

Update on Vitals Update

Alright, so today I went and assessed my hugeness. There were some interesting developments, a couple of which have actually led me to be skeptical of the method I use to assess the hugeness. Unfortunately, since I do not have the stat sheet in front of me at the moment, I will hold off on the actual update. I will write a dedicated post including the numbers, a picture of my physique for comparison, as well as an explanation of the results and an accompanying narrative.

But for now, let me focus on the other important aspects of today. The pursuit of GAINS is what comes to mind. For breakfast, again, I had two dark chocolate squares. And for lunch, again, I had two protein bars. But for a post hugeness assessment celebration, my friends and I decided to continue the never ending pursuit of gains. And tonight's pursuit was kicked into high gear. After many a trans-metro trek, me landed at a fine restaurant specializing in food from south of the border. Naturally, there were tortilla chips, salsa, and queso. But this is not where many gains were made. For the real dinner, I ordered a burrito with brotein (masquerading as fajita steak and bacon) and a few other non hugeness-inducing ingredients. I got a double side of rice, and there was some quacamole thrown in there as well. All in all, I was satisfied with the meal, and I felt it was a proper addition in my quest for hugeness.

Now, I know what you're thinking. Wait,, stop it! Stop thinking about that! Anyway, what you SHOULD be thinking is that this surely can't be all of the gains that were made tonight. But, as sometimes happens, and unfortunate as it is, you're right! Ha, gotcha. Of course this wasn't the end of this gains saga. Far from it.

Even though it wasn't a Tuesday, there is simply no better post-dinner, post-snack, or really post-anything (well, except maybe Post Malone) than a delicious, creamy, homemade ice cream cone in an amazing homemade waffle cone. Seriously, there is, like, nothing better for dessert. Literally. I had a single, which, incidentally, is two scoops. How neat is that?! That's pretty neat!

Thursday, January 21, 2016

Gains: The Exposé

There really isn't anything too glamorous about hard core gains. But mass media has so entangled nutrition into varying forms of absurdity that no one really knows what the heck's going on. That's where I step in. In preparation of my vitals examination tomorrow, I've been focusing more on extreme gains, and I thought I would share my secrets. First, I'm eating more brotein and less carbs. And since today I didn't lift a thing other than my own two feet a couple thousand times, missing some carbs isn't the worst thing ever. For breakfast, I had a protein granola bar, and for lunch, I had two more.

So with this nutrition amounting to 30 grams of brotein and a little bit of carbs to keep me awake throughout the day, I powered on through to dinner. For a meal of raw, savage gains, I once more wanted to focus on eating a hefty serving of wholesome brotein. So for that reason, I ate the same thing as I did yesterday. But hey, it could be worse. I could be eating the same thing literally every day. And this is why I am thankful that I'm not a dog. Because if I were a dog, I wouldn't be eating slow roasted barbecued pork and mashed potatoes. But only a little potatoes, because no brotein.

But this one, lowly, solitary plate was surely not enough. Gains must be made, remember! So more, more, more!

And yes, yes I know this looks weird. But ranch is my nectar. It's the secret ingredient that helps me get huge. So there you go. You know my secret. You're welcome, and have a nice day.

Wednesday, January 20, 2016

Gains: Revealed

With my schedule becoming more hectic by the second, and with a judgment day approaching sooner than anticipated (in less than 2 days!), I determined that it has quickly become time to make some über gains. This morning, I had the same breakfast as yesterday (2 dark chocolate squares), but that's where the similarities ended. I attended a highly beneficial personal health enhancement seminar this afternoon, also known as getting huge in the weight room. Afterward, I had a brotein shake with two bro-rounded scoops for an exact bro measurement. But this, my bros, is not where the gains were made. The biggest gains are made not in the gym, but in the kitchen. And a bro might think that brotein is the sole key to hugeness, but that is where mistakes are made, my bro disciples. Believe it or not, the loved/hated and often mythically-enshrouded carbohydrate is also important. Prepare for some BroScience; it's coming in hot. When strenuous exercises are performed, muscle glycogen stores are depleted. Immediately post-workout, the body is in an energy-deprived state. It therefore looks for sources of energy, and one of those sources is muscle tissue. The body breaks down muscle to get energy, which is undesirable, especially for bros trying to get huge. To prevent this catabolism and instead promote anabolism, glycogen levels must be restored. This is where the carbs come in. So without further ado, I present "Gains: Revealed"

Not only will you find ample servings of brotein, but also ample servings of carbs in the form of mashed potatoes, the carbs in which digest quickly to replenish that muscle glycogen and promote hugeness!

Multiply this by two, and call it a day.

Tuesday, January 19, 2016

Storm Damage

Funny thing, food. It can bring you up, tear you down, make you huge, or help you get tiny. Currently, I'm hoping that it'll make me huge. Unfortunately, even for bros that are trying to get huge, sometimes we just get too huge all at once. A perfect example was yesterday. All the food I consumed  yesterday had a way of taking up vast quantities of volume within my innards that this morning I didn't even feel like eating. But, being knowledgeable in all things physiological, I know that I should eat something for breakfast to kick start my metabolism, thus melting tons of fat all day long. With that knowledge in my back pocket, I just had a couple dark chocolate squares. Besides the caloric uptick, they also abound in healthy antioxidants. I don't want those pesky free radicals establishing a stronghold inside my body.

This was a perfect breakfast. Not only was it light and healthy, but it got me back on track to the land of the huge. By lunchtime I was hungry. I wanted some quick brotein so I did what any bro on the run would (should) do.

I didn't eat again until dinner, mainly due to reasons mentioned previously. And when dinner time actually did arrive, I had soup. Two fairly large bowls of soup. 

Monday, January 18, 2016

The Storm

Today was a storm. A swirling, torrential foodfall rained down on me as if I had never eaten before. What better way to begin such a day than to wake up to subzero temperatures and a car conpletely frozen over. Seriously, it was so cold this morning that my ice scraper was no match for the ice seemingly fused to the glass of my car's windshield. Now strapped for time, I grabbed a couple more cinnamon rolls, the same as yesterday. Only today, they were ordered to go! I warmed them up in the microwave, just as was done yesterday, but in the time between them coming out of the microwave, making the trek out the door, through the briskness of winter to my car, and then waiting several minutes while I pathetically and ineffectively scraped away at the ice on my car, they nearly froze solid once more. Once in my car and driving, I went ahead and ate them. They still tasted good, but now I had another problem. Being below zero degrees Fahrenheit, my poor wittle fingers got cold. Scratch that. My thick, hefty, blubberous fingers darn near fell off. I couldn't feel them, and luckily I had them wrapped around the ice block that was my steering wheel when they froze into place. At least I could still steer my car!

Later on, once I had regained the relative warmth in my extremities, I found myself outside once more. Luckily, since my morning adventure, it had warmed up substantially. It was now in the low twenties outside. Once my friend got the dead battery replace on his ill-starting car, we headed out to grab some lunch. We made the decision to try a place neither of us had previously visited, which can sometimes be risky. However, I thought of a burger pub that I had been wanting to try, and it had generally favorable reviews. We went there, and upon entering, the gourmet aromas of gourmet burgers and gourmet fries being cooked to perfection quickly greeted my nose. Ironically, I ended up not ordering a burger. I ordered a buffalo chicken sandwich, and I ordered it with a pretzel bun, because pretzel bun. 

This was very good, and since the y had truffle fries available, we ordered and split a side of truffle fries. These came with a myriad of homemade sauces. 

After this lunch, I was informed that we would be returning to one of my bro stomping grounds. This particular bro stomping ground is a restaurant, and its one defining characteristic that makes it a bro stomping ground is the fact that it offers a good challenge. And what makes this particular bro stomping ground one of my personal bro stomping grounds is the fact that I attempted, and gloriously completed, said food challenge. This challenge featured a burger consisting of four 1-pound patties, four onion rings, five fried pickle slices, eight slices of cheese, eight slices of bacon, lettuce, tomato, and some hot sauce, for zest. Along with the burger comes about a pound of thick, potato-y French fries. One must completely consume all this food to be successful in the challenge. So I, along with two of my former roommates, did just that. And as proof of our laborious efforts, we are forever immortalized on the veritable wall of fame. I'm No. 11. 

But that was more than two years ago. This visit would feature an old favorite. A true classic. It's what I get every time I dine at this restaurant (when I'm not eating giant burgers and mountains of fries). It's a past and cheese dish made with several different cheeses, all of them delicious. But it gets better. On top of this cheesy pasta deliciousness, buffalo chicken tenders gently lay, covered in delicious buffalo sauce. I always order some ranch to go with it, because ranch. This dish, named for and much like the head men's basketball coach, never lets me down. 

Already full at this point, a sane person might choose to leave the restaurant comfortable and happy. But a bro on a get huge quest wouldn't be satisfied with a measly entree. No, a bro would show dedication to the meal and end it right. And the only way to properly end a meal is with dessert. Today, that was fulfilled with a funnel cake. And an extremely greasy and tasty funnel cake at that. 

After today, having eaten so much wonderful food, I have no question that I'm well on my way to being huge. Heck, I may already be there. Be on the lookout in the next several days for another Vitals update, where the hugeness will speak for itself. 

Sunday, January 17, 2016

The Calm Before the Storm

Still in my post-travel lull, I took today as an opportunity to lighten up, if you will. With the prospect of the resumption of classes in a few days, I can make no promises as to my diet for the immediate future. However, I was just not in a position today to stuff my fat little face. That being said, I didn't completely go without food today.

When I awoke this morning, I was greeted by a delicious lack of protein. I regret nothing.

For dinner, I had some soup, some pizza, and yet another chicken salad sandwich.

And for dessert, a little more  ice cream to pack on some extra excess energy.