Saturday, January 16, 2016

Hot and Brold, as the Car Drives

Ahhhhh *exhale*

Tis the reaction that signals the end of two long days of travel. Actually, they didn't seem that long to me, even though together they totaled almost twenty hours. So, really, that sigh was more so a lament of the end of a relaxing and extremely fulfilling vacation. With today's morning starting early with a free hotel breakfast, I wanted to limit carbs as much as possible. To my delight, there were several options available. Of course, I took all three! There was water (carb free, believe it or not!), plain Greek yogurt, and a selection of hard boiled eggs. Admittedly, the plain yogurt was a little rough to get through, but being accustomed to protein powders mixed with water, I fared admirably.

Upon embarking upon what would be the approximately 450-minute journey home, I snacked on the rest of my candy and I finished the rest of my lemonade from yesterday. This doesn't sound like a lot of food, and it isn't. But I was still feeling fairly full from yesternight's deep fried burger duo and fries and Twinkie escapade, not to mention the heaviness of this morning's yogurt and egg. Upon returning home, however, I quickly found myself needing to maintain the rolling of my get huge stone. I swiftly stole away to the kitchen where I, at a brisk almost allegro tempo, expertly and precisely crafted a beauty of a chicken salad sandwich. 

To top this off, I shared in the joyful enjoyment of exactly one quarter of a double chocolate whoopie pie, courtesy of a gourmet chef in Florida. 

Other than a couple peanut clusters, that was pretty much it for caloric intake for the day. 

But wait, there's...anyway, that was the case until a spur of the moment, unexpected, and impossible to resist development developed. As it happened, others in my general vicinity were partaking in the enjoyment of a chocolate flavored frozen cream, and I simply couldn't and wouldn't oppose such an opportunity for gainz. And gainz were had and they rejoiced. 

Friday, January 15, 2016

Vitamin G

Today was another landmark day in the arena of getting huge. Today was so extreme that even I am a little concerned. It started off really slow though. It was a travel day. The first leg of our return trip lasted about more than twelve hours in-car, so there was no time to truly get huge. But don't worry, I snacked on some crackers, taffy, and a pecan cluster along the way, and my ever so thoughtful fiancée was kind enough to get me two of my favorite sugar-laden delicacies. It's tough to beat strawberry lemonade and Sour Patch Kids, especially when riding in a car. I also had a chicken salad sandwich on potato bread.

The rest of the day was, as mentioned, slow as a bro wearing his cutoff in the snow. But this is where it turns up. This, my bros, is where the real fun begins. It just so happens (not so coincidentally) that the first leg of the journey back home ended in Memphis. What's the significance of Memphis? Beale Street. And the significance of Beale Street? Well, the Blues. But for my purposes, the significance of Beale Street is Dyer's. Yes, Dyer's. This world-famous burger place is a little unconventional, but in all the right ways. First, they use a different cooking method. They deep-fry their burgers. But of course that's not where it ends. The grease they use to fry their burgers hasn't been changed since the place opened in 1912. You read that correctly. That's more than one hundred (100) years/a century/five score/ten decades/a tenth of a millennium. And they still cook their burgers in it. They even offer to deep fry the bun with it! Talk about a greasy burger! But I'll tell you there's not a better way to get your yearly dose of Vitamin G.

So, having the rare pleasure to be in Memphis and to be visiting Dyer's, and not knowing if or when I may return, and being a bro trying to get huge, I made the most of my time there. I ordered two doubles, one with bacon and one without. I got a side of fries.

I ended up sampling the chicken strips when my fiancée was unable to physically stuff any more food into herself. And after all this, I still felt slightly Vitamin G deficient, so I split a deep-fried Twinkie with three other people. It came with vanilla ice cream, strawberry sauce, and some powdered sugar.

So believe me when I say that I got my yearly recommended dose of Vitamin G today, because at this point I feel as though I'm sweating pure grease, which actually doesn't sound half bad!

Thursday, January 14, 2016

Chicken, Pork, and Gasbroline

Rarely does a single day contain the awesomeness that today did. It started off like any other clichéd day, with a granola bar.

But then, out of absolutely nowhere, things began to change. And change for the better they did. And it all started with - get this - a trip to the local grocery store. Exciting right?! This is one of those new-fangled, fancy pants grocery stores that offers a full-service sandwich shop right in its own deli. At first, I was skeptical. In general, I'm not one for deli sandwiches. But the store's pre-made Cuban sandwich that everyone was raving about had pickles on it, and, being extremely adverse to the taste of pickles, I opted against that option. There were other pre-made sandwich options available, but none that really tickled my fancy. So, I thought I'd give the build-a-sandwich option a shot. When I got to looking, the options were seemingly endless. I'm sure I could've ordered a caviar and platinum sandwich with moose cheese, pule, gold doubloons and diamond dressing on an Italian silk and Myanmar painite bun, but I opted for more traditional ingredients. I ended up with a Buffalo chicken tender sub with cheddar, pepper jack, spinach, onions, ranch, and a little parmesan sprinkled on top, all on an Italian white bread. 

Later in the evening, in celebration of a birthday, it was decided that barbecue would be the genre of food consumed in mass quantities. I've had great barbecue, and Florida isn't known for such greatness of barbecue, but this particular place had very good reviews. So I dove in, mouth first, and ordered a full slab of baby back ribs with a side of fries. For being deep in the heart of seafood country, they were very decent ribs. They didn't exist for long once I got ahold of them. 

And if all this greatness wasn't enough, there was even more. Again, in celebration of a birthday, we had dessert. And what do you have for dessert on a birthday? Well, in broism, tradition dictates that cake and ice cream must be consumed after dinner, regardless of the level of satiety experienced from said aforementioned dinner. But this is where it gets interesting. The cake that I had the pleasure and honor of consuming today was no ordinary cake. It was from the same grocery store previously mentioned in this tale of greatness. But again, this was not an average grocery store cake. Oh no. Oh my merciless carb overlord no. This cake was incredible. It was a super moist, rich chocolate cake with a strawberry glaze between the layers. It had wonderfully creamy and smooth chocolate frosting, irresistible chocolate covered strawberries, and chocolate bark on top. Its sides were coated in thinly sliced almonds. All this culminated in one of the best chocolate cakes I've ever eaten. And I've eaten many a chocolate cake. Seriously, it was THAT good. It was complimented by vanilla and chocolate malt frozen custard. 

Ok, this day was very near perfect. Really, nothing could make this day any better. But wait! Yes, there's more!!! Unbelievably, there's more!!! Caution: this last bit is not food related. But anyone who knows me well will understand why this last bit may make this perfect day just that little bit better.

Wednesday, January 13, 2016

Aquabro and the Parthenon

The day started off with a soft and delightful granola bar...or two.

A tour of a local lake was scheduled for 10:00 this morning, and the two Captain Bros did not disappoint. They provided some very insightful and interesting information and nuggets of trivia about the surroundings. They even personally delivered us to a local lakeside eating establishment!

There, I was intrigued by a burger that featured tomato bacon jam. Now, anyone who knows me (both of them) will tell you that I loath tomatoes, but I was feeling a tinge of boldness today. So I ordered it. And I liked it. It also boasted pepper jack cheese and onion straws on a brioche bun. It came with homemade chips seasoned with tropical spices.

For dinner, we revisited an old favorite. The best peel and eat shrimp in all the land is smack dab in the middle of one of the largest Greek communities in Florida. One is more likely to find an excellent gyro and decent sponge than a good grouper sandwich in this coastal community. But there's a hidden gem tucked away in the midst of an apparent turf war raging between restaurant owners and landlords alike. But this hasn't effected food quality. I got half a pound of shrimp and a chicken philly with provolone, green peppers, and onions. Fries on the side and the leftover shrimp from other whereabouts round out the meal and the day.

Tuesday, January 12, 2016

The Island Bro

A trip to a small island isn't necessarily what many may consider to be included in the agendas of a bro trying to get huge. And those many would usually be correct. But, needing no further explanation, sometimes it's nice to take a step back from the stress of getting huge. Walking sandy beaches looking for interesting shells has a therapeutic effect that cannot be replicated, duplicated, simulated, or any other -ated. But that's not to say that food was completely forgotten about. In hopes of staving off the undesirable effects of atrophy (aka the opposite of getting huge), I ate a lunch composed of avian protein and cultured milk surrounded by some wholesome carbs.

I also had some potato chips, because hunger.  Through all of this, the constant power struggle between my bro self and some daring seagulls was escalating rather quickly. By the time I had finished my sandwich and moved on to the chips, they had become so brazen as to nearly eat the chips out of the very bag that I, too, was withdrawing chips from.

Me being too much of a bro even for birds, I walked away, though exhausted and bruised from the epic battle, victorious. I had satiated my hunger for gains all the while enjoying the serenity unique to a beautiful, natural, and undeveloped island on a sunny day.

Later on, with the riches of my victory wearing thin, I realized I needed to once again ingest some gains. Said gains would come in the form of a three bean medley, corn, mashed potatoes, bread with butter, and roast beef. I had seconds of everything, don't worry.

Still not feeling as though my gains tank was at capacity, and being in a citrus-producing part of the Earth's climate, I decided to sample the local wares. This occurred in the obvious form of key lime pie. But, unfortunately, I could not establish a reasonable and ethically fair opinion from the regrettably limited information provided by a single slice of pie, so I unwaveringly sampled another example of the pie. I was, after two slices, able to reach a meaningful conclusion. It was delicious!

Monday, January 11, 2016

Bro Magic

Everyone needs a little magic, and the Average Bro is no different. Ask yourself, "If I were in search of some decent, first-bro magic, where would I go?" If you answered anything other than Disney World, you're wrong! So yes, my adult self spent the day at the most magical place on Earth.

For a magical day to be started off right, a proper breakfast is a must. A festive, themed arrangement of carbs is the most effective solution. I've thrown in some token brotein, but don't be fooled. I'm on the fast track for infinite gains with this wonderfully shaped carb-o-rama.

Other than the waffle, lemon poppyseed muffin, and eggs, I had a cup of raspberry applesauce as a nod to my gains-filled childhood.

Now bro-deep in magic, I needed a brofill. I opted for some surprisingly decent chicken strip nugget thingies with hot, still glistening from the fat French fries. Unfortunately, the only dipping sauce available was an average, mass-produced "BBQ" sauce, but it wasn't the worst I've ever had.

Feeling as though I left some magic behind somewhere, I agreed to partake in the consumption of a ridiculously-sized chocolate-iced donut...with sprinkles (because, according to a friend, they taste great!). As a scale of the sheer size of this thing, it's shown here being held by my lovely, normal-sized head fiancée.

That was it for food for a while. In the meantime, I participated in more magic and general merriment. It all culminated with a fireworks display over Cinderella's Castle.

But then, on the way back to the hotel, bros were in dire need of gains. Now, I'm not one to openly (and freely/royalty freely) promote businesses (other than my own). But this calls for an exception. It was late at night. Places close late at night. Places except fast food. When choosing a fast food restaurant at which to make gains, usually the lesser of several evils is chosen. But this was different. We went to Wendy's; usually a relatively solid choice. I opted to try the new Gouda Bacon cheeseburger. I ordered it without tomato, and with a spicy chicken wrap as a backup. Aside from the ever-presence of tomato, it was delicious. So was the chicken wrap, which had plenty of cheese and ranch. And so were the fries, which had copious amounts of sodium. All in all, it was one of the best fast food meals ever, and I could feel the pure gains going straight to the brain.

This day truly was magical. It was full of memories that I'll always cherish, and full of gains that I'll probably lose by next week. But anyway, I couldn't've had a better time.

Sunday, January 10, 2016

Welcome to the Brocean

After all the aforementioned traveling, it's nice to unwind with the sweet scent of saltwater wafting through the air. Clearwater Beach is quite the venue for such unwinding. Not only does it have sand and a brocean lapping at its shores, it's got what every bro on a get big quest needs: food! And it's not all just dollar hot dogs and snow cones. There are some truly saliva flow-inducing culinary creations, and today I partook in a truly tasty sample of what Florida does best. (The answer is seafood for all you inlanders)

But before the seafood, I warmed up with one of my favorite comfort foods. Buffalo chicken with copious amounts of ranch is simply irresistible. Normally served in the form of a wing (or drumette), these were boneless and more closely resembled strips, but I'm not complaining. They were quite good.

The form of seafood I chose to consume was in the form of a small decapod crustacean. A true classic, my shrimp po' boy today featured golden fried white gulf shrimp, lettuce, onions, and a tangy aioli sauce on a baguette. Ever the health conscious eater (heavy sarcasm), I opted for steamed broccoli on the side.

I also sampled a very respectable take on a Cajun-themed pasta. It featured penne in a creamy sauce with blackened chicken and andouille sausage.