The Storm

Today was a storm. A swirling, torrential foodfall rained down on me as if I had never eaten before. What better way to begin such a day than to wake up to subzero temperatures and a car conpletely frozen over. Seriously, it was so cold this morning that my ice scraper was no match for the ice seemingly fused to the glass of my car's windshield. Now strapped for time, I grabbed a couple more cinnamon rolls, the same as yesterday. Only today, they were ordered to go! I warmed them up in the microwave, just as was done yesterday, but in the time between them coming out of the microwave, making the trek out the door, through the briskness of winter to my car, and then waiting several minutes while I pathetically and ineffectively scraped away at the ice on my car, they nearly froze solid once more. Once in my car and driving, I went ahead and ate them. They still tasted good, but now I had another problem. Being below zero degrees Fahrenheit, my poor wittle fingers got cold. Scratch that. My thick, hefty, blubberous fingers darn near fell off. I couldn't feel them, and luckily I had them wrapped around the ice block that was my steering wheel when they froze into place. At least I could still steer my car!

Later on, once I had regained the relative warmth in my extremities, I found myself outside once more. Luckily, since my morning adventure, it had warmed up substantially. It was now in the low twenties outside. Once my friend got the dead battery replace on his ill-starting car, we headed out to grab some lunch. We made the decision to try a place neither of us had previously visited, which can sometimes be risky. However, I thought of a burger pub that I had been wanting to try, and it had generally favorable reviews. We went there, and upon entering, the gourmet aromas of gourmet burgers and gourmet fries being cooked to perfection quickly greeted my nose. Ironically, I ended up not ordering a burger. I ordered a buffalo chicken sandwich, and I ordered it with a pretzel bun, because pretzel bun. 

This was very good, and since the y had truffle fries available, we ordered and split a side of truffle fries. These came with a myriad of homemade sauces. 

After this lunch, I was informed that we would be returning to one of my bro stomping grounds. This particular bro stomping ground is a restaurant, and its one defining characteristic that makes it a bro stomping ground is the fact that it offers a good challenge. And what makes this particular bro stomping ground one of my personal bro stomping grounds is the fact that I attempted, and gloriously completed, said food challenge. This challenge featured a burger consisting of four 1-pound patties, four onion rings, five fried pickle slices, eight slices of cheese, eight slices of bacon, lettuce, tomato, and some hot sauce, for zest. Along with the burger comes about a pound of thick, potato-y French fries. One must completely consume all this food to be successful in the challenge. So I, along with two of my former roommates, did just that. And as proof of our laborious efforts, we are forever immortalized on the veritable wall of fame. I'm No. 11. 

But that was more than two years ago. This visit would feature an old favorite. A true classic. It's what I get every time I dine at this restaurant (when I'm not eating giant burgers and mountains of fries). It's a past and cheese dish made with several different cheeses, all of them delicious. But it gets better. On top of this cheesy pasta deliciousness, buffalo chicken tenders gently lay, covered in delicious buffalo sauce. I always order some ranch to go with it, because ranch. This dish, named for and much like the head men's basketball coach, never lets me down. 

Already full at this point, a sane person might choose to leave the restaurant comfortable and happy. But a bro on a get huge quest wouldn't be satisfied with a measly entree. No, a bro would show dedication to the meal and end it right. And the only way to properly end a meal is with dessert. Today, that was fulfilled with a funnel cake. And an extremely greasy and tasty funnel cake at that. 

After today, having eaten so much wonderful food, I have no question that I'm well on my way to being huge. Heck, I may already be there. Be on the lookout in the next several days for another Vitals update, where the hugeness will speak for itself.