Bro & Bro & Bro: An Epic Buffet Challenge 101

Alright, so here it is. I'm nearing the end of my quest to get huge. Yes, it's true. It's sad, but true nonetheless. I'll soon be on a quest to get lean. With that in mind, this buffet adventure needed to be something special. I needed to go out with a bang. Well, I think it lived it up to that expectation. 

Quinn and Andrew, who, like me, are always looking to get huge, accompanied me to Genghis Khan

Mongolian Grill. We arrived at 1800 and started eating at 1815. This later becomes an important detail in the story. 

I started off my first bowl with some egg noodles, beef, scallions, red peppers, Chinese sausage, and potatoes. Now here comes the problem. I wanted to flavor my concoction with soy sauce, but I had no idea how much I should add. I just eyeballed it, and ended up pouring four ladles into my bowl. This seemed like a reasonable proportion given the amount of food that I had. I then took my bowl up to the grill, added in an egg, and waited for it be cooked.  

When it was all done and cooked, I took my food back to the table. Judging by its color, I guessed that I may have added slightly too much soy sauce. But then I tasted it. Now I knew for sure that I added way too much soy sauce. Literally, this was the saltiest food that I had ever eaten. It tasted good, but wow was it salty.

I finished this plate along with my appetizers of 2 crab rangoons and two chicken wings and then headed back up to get some more.

After I had prepared my bowl, this time with egg noodles, beef, scallions, potatoes, red peppers, corn, carrots, three eggs, and half as much soy sauce, and placed it in line to get cooked, I went back and got some more wings to avoid unnecessary idle time when I could be getting huge. I got 5 more wings. After I finished these, my second plate of food was ready.

When I took my 2nd plate back to the table, I was encouraged by the color. I thought that maybe it wouldn't taste like pure salt.

But I was wrong. It was still way too salty. But I was determined to eat it. Unfortunately, the salt proved too much. Never before had I become nauseated by a food because it was too salty. Too sweet, too rich, sure. But never too salty. It got to a point that it didn't even taste good any more, and after what seemed like an hour of struggling, I finally called it quits having eaten a little more than half. This is unfortunate too because even though I wasn't necessarily full after this 2nd plate, I couldn't stomach the thought of eating any more similar food.

Meanwhile, while my struggle was going on, Andrew finished his 3rd huge plate and Quinn finished his 4th huge plate. Honestly, I really can't believe how much food Quinn can eat. And judging by his 140 pound physique, I don't think many people would peg him as a huge eater. But that he is. So much so in fact that he wants to leave the arena of mere amateur buffetology and step into the world of food challenges. Andrew and I already have a little experience with food challenges, having completed the Everest Challenge burger a few years ago. Quinn also attempted this, and although he didn't finish it, he also wasn't eating as much as he is now. So, with this new seemingly endless hunger, he wants to attempt to eat a 5 pound burrito. This is scheduled for next weekend, so stay tuned for that.

After Andrew powered through his 3rd huge plate of predominantly brotein, it was time. Yes, it was that time of the buffet session we all knew was coming. We had already scoped out the desserts, and there were some pretty good looking brownies.

There were 135 squares to choose from, so Andrew and I went over and got 4 brownies and 2 lemon squares each. Both were good, but the brownies, being filled with chocolate chips, were unbelievably tasty. They were so tasty, in fact, that we quickly abandoned our plan to eat only these 6 pieces of dessert.

We went back and got some more. I got 8 more brownie squares.

And then we got some more....

...and some more.

By the time Andrew and I had downed about 40 of these squares, he made the joking comment of attempting to eat 100 squares. We both just kind of looked at each other as if to say "Yeah, right. Not!" But for some reason (read: these things were delicious), we just kept on eating.

And eating.

Eventually, Quinn finished his quest to eat all the food in the building and joined Andrew and I in our dessert demolishing.

After this most recent round, we added up our totals. When the results were in, our attitudes changed from lighthearted to more serious. We were at a total of 85 squares. Now 100 didn't seem so impossible. All we needed were 5 more squares each. Quinn and Andrew each got 5, and I somehow ended up with 6, just to push the total to 101. We were successful in eating 101 brownie/lemon squares. I still really can't believe that.

All totaled, I ended up eating 42 squares, Andrew had 47, and Quinn, being late to the party, contributed 12 squares to the 101 squares that were thoroughly enjoyed.

And here's where the time comes in to play. To achieve this massive feat in first-world gluttony, we were practically constantly eating for over two hours. We started eating at 1815 and we weren't done until 2030. This is quite a long time to be eating, but it was a good time.

101 dessert squares.









Also, earlier in the day, I warmed up with a couple Clif bars and a Z-Man from Joe's Kansas City Bar-B-Que.

That Was Sick!

And by "that" I mean me. But, on the bright side, I discovered the easiest and fastest shortcut to cutting: just don't eat anything all day! Literally, I went from 187 pounds on Monday morning to 181 pounds this morning. Now, the source of this weight loss is controversial, but I'll err on the side of hugeness and say that all 6 pounds lost were from fat loss. In other words, to get lean, just starve yourself. 

But I can't say that I ate nothing all day. I had a CRUNCH egg and a bowl of vanilla ice cream.

And that was all she wrote on a day that I stayed in bed until probably 1600.

Mac-ing Me Crazy

Breakfast, lunch, snack, second snack. Classic brotein bar, Clif bar, oatmeal raisin granola bars, Clif bar.

But then dinner came around. And playing on the macaroni and cheese binge that we've been on, it was only fitting that tonight we had some real homemade baked macaroni and cheese. 

As you can see, there were a couple pieces of garlic bread and a heavily-cheesed salad to go along with the macaroni and cheese.

But this surely was not the end of our carb merriment. Oh no, quite the contrary. You see, it's always a good time for carbs, and what better way to indulge in some sweet carbs than via a giant skillet cookie? 

But here's the catch. Most people wouldn't consider one bite from a normal size cookie to be extremely meaningful, calorie speaking. But the slice I had of this cookie was technically only 1/12 of the whole cookie, and 1/12 of a cookie isn't even one bite. So, logically, this slice of cookie that I had was essentially just a cookie crumb and there contained zero calories.

Because logic.

Quiche Me Goodnight

There wasn't much to differentiate today from the many others. I had a classic brotein bar for breakfast, a Clif bar for lunch/pre-workout, and a couple oatmeal raisin granola bars for recovery.

When I got home, I had a few small handfuls of M&Ms, and three pieces of chocolate covered peanut brittle.

I'll tell you what, if you're ever looking for a low calorie sweet snack, this chocolate covered peanut brittle is an excellent option. Granted the chocolate has a few calories, but the peanut brittle sticks to your teeth to such a severe extent that I can't imagine hardly any of it actually entering the meat of your digestive system. That being said, your teeth will dissolve in approximately 12 minutes if you eat too much of this stuff, but bad teeth is a problem much more easily remedied than, say, being overweight. Just slap some veneers on there and call it a day. 

For a more substantial meal, I had a hefty-sized bowl of lentil soup.

 

There was ham in there, so I'm good.

A little while later, the main course was out of the oven and ready for consumption. This main course of which I speak is the all powerful QUICHE. What food item can be better than one made almost entirely out of eggs? 

I couldn't think of any either, so I dove in.

The slice on the left is ham and onion, and the slice on the right is mushroom and onion. All totaled I had three slices of ham and onion and two slices of mushroom and onion and some change since Sidney could only finish 99% of what she got.

And since I did my massive upper body bro workout today, I deserved (read: needed) a carb-heavy dessert for extra recovery and hypertrophy. 

I thank Moose Tracks for making me huge. 

An Average Bro Day

Some days contain little in the way of consequence. There was little in the way of significant events, especially food related. So this could be exceptionally short. 

For breakfast, I had a classic brotein bar.

For lunch, I had a peanut butter Clif bar. For a mid-afternoon snack, I had the two oatmeal raisin bars. And for a late afternoon snack, I had another peanut butter Clif bar.

When I got home, my wonderful fiancée Sidney was in the process of making a pot of Three Cheese macaroni and cheese. I'd say she's converted!

Having already eaten a box of the stuff earlier, I was tasked with eating the majority of this round. What a pity.

I also had a plate of ham with some pepper jack for a brotein boost.

And that, folks, is all she wrote.

Post Buffet Hugeness

I woke up feeling more full than I've ever felt in any previous morning. As such, I did not feel like eating anything. I wanted to get a little something down just to kick start my metabolism, so I had a small granola bar. I saved the Clif bar for my pre-workout and the other granola bar for my post-workout recovery.

After my granola bar breakfast, I became acutely aware of how incredibly thirsty I was. I filled my Blender Bottle with water and downed the 28 ounces in surprising quickness.

As I mentioned, I ate the Clif bar before the gym and the other granola bar afterward.

For dinner, I had some leftovers consisting of potato salad, Sidney's wonderful butter with some mashed potatoes mixed in, and some ham. I poured some barbecue sauce on the ham to spice it up a bit.

After Sidney and I continued our Harry Potter marathon with the third movie, we decided it was time for ice cream. And since I went to the gym today, and since I went extra-hard on legs, Moose Tracks was soon en route to my mouth! 

It feels like I didn't hardly eat anything today, but I still feel full. It's worth noting that when I weighed myself this morning I weighed more than I ever have in any previous morning. This could still potentially be partially food weight, but who knows...maybe I'm just HUUUUUGE!!!

Happy Easter! Part 2 (HUGE BUFFET!!)

Is gluttony a sin? If so, I may be in trouble. But you know what? Spending a little time with family on Easter can overcome that. Especially if the gluttony is in the name of quality family time. More on this subject a little later on. 

First, I woke up to a perfectly non-gluttonous breakfast. My mom made a delicious blueberry coffee cake. And though I don't drink coffee, I do eat cake! 

She suggested spreading a little butter on it, so I did.

I can confirm: it was delicious. For dinner, we learned of a special Easter Buffet at Ameristar's famous buffet. Before today, it had been such a long time since I had been there, so I was excited not only for the food but also to see the inside of the casino.

Quantified perfectly by Sidney, it's "an adult version of Disney World!" I just love the inside of this place. What with the sky on the ceiling, the buildings, the decor. It's just so cool to me. My dad related the inside of this place to the dome in which Truman Burbank lived in the movie "The Truman Show." Aside from some blatant seams in the ceiling, I agree!

On to the buffet now. This buffet is divided into sections. There are different sections for different styles of cuisine.

There was an Italian section featuring pastas and pizzas.

There was a giant salad bar.

There was a section featuring classic comfort foods.

There was a section serving up country classics, like fried and roasted chicken, kiolbassa, scalloped potatoes, ribs, mac and cheese, and, as an Easter special, Prime rib.

There was also a Chinese food section featuring classics such as crab rangoons and Orange chicken.

My first plate consisted of a giant slice of prime rib, a piece of fried chicken, a rib, some scalloped potatoes, and some macaroni and cheese.

Also, hiding under the prime rib were some pieces of kiolbassa.

Everything was really pretty good. After finishing that first plate, I went back for a different variety. I got a slice of cheese pizza, a cheesy breadstick, some chicken Alfredo pasta, some fried rice, a couple crab rangoons, and a few pieces of Orange chicken. I got one more piece of kiolbassa and headed back to the table.

It's not often that you find pizza next to orange chicken and kiolbassa on the same plate. It was glorious.

As I was eating through this plate, I started experiencing twinges of satiety. Only slightly unnerved, I marginally quickened my rate of consumption. When I had finished this plate, I sat back in my chair for a minute or two. I let the food settle a bit, and then I felt fine. I was ready to tackle the dessert buffet.

Disclaimer: The following pictorial contains disturbing images that some viewers may find shocking and offensive. What you are about to witness is true.

My parents and Sidney had already been to the dessert buffet before I had had the chance, so I had some idea of what to expect. But nothing could have truly prepared me for what I was about to do. As I approached the buffet with my father as a guide, the first thing we searched for was the molten chocolate cake. They were temporarily out, so I moved on. I found a delicious-looking chocolate mousse cake, an interesting, ensprinkled cannolo, a lemon meringue pie, a big chocolate chip cookie pizza thing, and another chocolate cream dessert thing. I also found some cotton candy mousse and some ice cream. We waited a couple minutes for them to replace the molten chocolate cake, and then we headed back to the table. I wasn't fully aware of the ridiculousness of what I was about to do until I saw it there on the table.

Yes, that's right. ALL of those desserts on the table were mine. And yes, I ate them all. Sidney did help finish my chocolate cream thingy. But let's go through a rundown of what I got.

Up first is the molten chocolate cake. This was the best dessert they had. And when paired with vanilla ice cream, it was incredible.

Next is the chocolate mousse cake and cannolo. The mousse cake was also very good. The cannolo was soft, which is unusual in my experiences. But it was still pretty good.

Next we have the lemon meringue pie and the chocolate chip cookie pizza thingy. The pie was good, but the crust was a little soft. The chocolate chip cookie pizza thingy was excellent.

Here we have the chocolate cream thingy. It was drizzled with caramel sauce and tasted a lot like a fine, caramel-filled Swiss dark chocolate. It was super rich and delicious, but since I saved it for the end, I enlisted Sidney to assist in finishing it off.

Next is the cotton candy mousse. The dessert chef guy claimed that it wasn't as sweet as it sounded, and he was right. It had the consistency almost of whipped butter with a strawberry flavor.

Last is the ice cream. This was used to complement the many chocolate desserts I had. It was good, and it served its purpose spectacularly.

All in all, this was the most food I've eaten in a long time, and by far the most dessert I've eaten at a single time in probably forever, including the 12 gulab jamuns I ate at Korma Sutra. The only other time that I can think of where I may have eaten more sweets than this is when I attempted the 3-pound cinnamon roll in San Antonio a couple years back. But as full as I was, I didn't feel that bad. But like the night I conquered the Everest challenge, it got worse as the night went on. Round about 2130, after Sidney and I returned to her parents' house, I started feeling pretty bad. Like my stomach was ripping and my food didn't want to stay down bad. I laid motionless in bed in an upright position for a while, and when I began to feel a little better, I leaned over onto Sidney's shoulder and took a very short nap. With my brain shut down for this period of  time, even more of my blood could be rerouted to my gastrointestinal tract to aid in the digestion of all this food. I awoke probably an hour later feeling much better.

And I have no regrets. I would do it all again.

Also, I should note that since this buffet featured so many different selections, standard Buffetology practice of sample then selection was impractical to implement. With a selection this large, it is more beneficial to simply sample as many options as possible before getting full. Otherwise, you'll leave the buffet without ever trying a vast majority of what they offer.